Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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