just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
