I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
