dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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