Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
