The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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