Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
