Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
