I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
