It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
This is the high leading the old right now
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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