so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
