So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
