I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
