Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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