A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
