I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
