I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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