in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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