If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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