marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
