I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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