woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
