That's intense
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
