Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
