Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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