if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
