my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize