You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
