i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Michael Bay diarrhea
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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