My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
