somebody snuck up and got me drunk
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
