I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Randomize
