You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
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