what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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