Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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