OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
