dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
