i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
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