I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
