Duck Duck Cougar?
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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