Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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