well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
