dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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