Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
