Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
