I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
