i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
