He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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