Soap is not a condiment
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
