I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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