Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
