im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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