I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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