census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
