I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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