Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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