NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
He did a backflip because drugs
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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