in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
