I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
