I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
