My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
