Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize