matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
i drank out of a bidet.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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