A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
