I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
