I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
