I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
